My unhealthy and vicious cycle of making/alienating friends
Friends, my apologies, social anxiety; my problems SHOW MORE
I have, I think, an unhealthy .. um, an unfortunate and unhealthy pattern of behavior which I've been seeing in a sort of dissociative way, as if watching on a screen and unable to stop myself. This pattern has been happening for a long time, .. basically, I moved to this island 21 years ago, and for the first 13 I made no friends here nor had engaged in social media as it was so young and I had SAD too. When I made early friends on a forum, it woke something in me, I realized how very much I need friends and people to love, and that I hadn't had it in a very long time. The pattern is me meeting as many people as I can, trying to find people who seem to have potential as friends. It's a headlong rush and I wish I were able to control or halt it better. I have been trying hard to stop that. This is a vicious circle, I think. I tried to make friends but was overexcited, overenthusiastic, too needy and I guess I tried to move too fast into a close relationship. This makes many uneasy and therefore the people drift away to keep themselves safer. This abandonment, as it feels to me at these times, appears to prove that if I don't have more friends then they'll all move away from me, which makes me even more frantic to restart the process.
Now, about a decade later, I still have no personal friends here in Taiwan, to speak of, and this is still going on; in fact, the nature of Mastodon seems to faciliitate it. I see so many people who seem so nice. I spread myself too think and neglect the friends I'm trying to make, so they may think I don't care about them.
I am TRYING to fix this problem I'm trying to pay attention to my behavior and correct it. I am not very successful, but I think if I could only calm down and love myself, I could manage to slow down, stop pressuring people, feel less anxious, focus on building quality friendships with people who seem genuinely willing to invest in such with me. Other friends can be more casual and less intense and still be valid relationships of another type, if types really exist.
I am so sorry folks. I'm a goddamned mess. I know it. I want to be better. My life might depend on me doing this people thing better and not fucking it up all the time.
I'm very sorry. Whoops and here comes the self loathing, right on schedule. shit. sorry friends. I'm doing all I can; it's just not very good or very much. baby steps, maybe?? I do honestly love everyone, that is not bullshit. I care too much, probably, but I'm sincere as hell.
Responses, feedback, suggestions, even anger are welcome...but I hope you're not mad.